Bad Chinese Food:

This is a review I wrote of a restaurant near my place of business. I interviewed all the people quoted and everything.

Bad Chinese Food Curdles City Souls
by Noah Burger

As 8th avenue snakes its way though the chaos of midtown, this normally placid boulevard transforms into something of a war zone. Delis, snack shops, and restaurants battle for attention, flashing neon signs and folded menus in a daily, desperate grab for customers. Competition is fierce, and Darwinian logic rules. Eateries that cannot supply the most immediate needs of their customers quickly wither away, only to be replaced within seconds by the next Gyro grill or pizza parlor. Needless to say, maintaining a food business on 8th Avenue is difficult. It comes as a surprise, then, that See-Yao Takeout, a modest Chinese dive between 48th and 49th, has managed not only to stay afloat, but to thrive. A surprise because their food, by all accounts, is consistently and unapologetically bad.

"The food is terrible," says Wanda Abrams, who works as a senior administrator in the office building next door, "I mean, how hard is it to screw up Kung Pao Chicken? But these guys butcher it every time." Melissa Ahlman, a co-worker of Ms. Abrams, concurrs. "I don't eat Chinese food," says Ahlman, "but if I did, I certainly wouldn't order from See-Yao. Or maybe I would. I don't know." Noel Burger, a courier in connection with Ms. Ahlman's office, agreed. "When I order steak and onions, I like it to be, y'know...good," he said. "These guys cook their onions stiff, and their steak soggy. I mean come on!"

The outcome of such a situation would seem obvious: See-Yao, which cannot meet even the most basic needs of its customers, should fold up like a paper krane. However, in an enigma that defies all laws of supply-and-demand economics, the restaurant not only remains open, but popular, at least according to statistics: See-Yao prepares over 500 meals a day, most of them for return customers.

"Sure it sucks," says Caity Vichon, an administrative assistant who works with Mr. Burger, "But it's right next door! If I want better Chinese, I have to walk all the way to 9th avenue. Not in these heels, mister!" Jack Monteverdi, Ms. Vichon's co-worker, feels similarly. "I get nauseous every time I eat there," he moans, "But for some reason I keep going back. Why is that?"

Why indeed. While many scientists have studied the phenomenon of mass hypnosis and popular delusion, no official study has been conducted of the effect some epicuriologists have recently labeled "General Tso's Suggestion," the paradoxical power of bad Chinese restaurants to encourage, rather than discourage, the patronage of local customers. Tso's Suggestion, it has been postulated, mostly effects office workers, although locals living in apartments above bad Chinese restaurants may also be at risk.

"We have yet to study Tso's Suggestion in detail," says Dr. Martin Schultzer, a leading epicuriologist at Columbia University, "but if I were to put forward a hypothesis, I'd say it boils down to convenience. People just don't want to have to walk very far to eat, even if it means eating food that sucks. They know it sucks. They can taste it. They're just plain lazy."

Most patrons find the experience of ordering at See-Yao soul killing. "I get depressed every time I go in there," says Isheh Beht, a professional assistant who freelances for Dr. Schultzer on Wednesdays, "It smells funny, there are flies all over the place, and the counter is always greasy. Plus they've got ferrets living under their cash-register, and that can't be sanitary." Despite her feelings on the decor, however, Ms. Beht grudgingly admits she still orders from See-Yao every week. "Force of habit, I guess," she says.

Still, it cannot be said that everyone is depressed by See-Yao's poor fare. Patrick Sims, a local subway performer and Ms. Ahlman's assistant, had this to say, "I think their being bad is actually an asset. If I'm gonna be perfectly honest here, I gotta say that I like bad Chinese food. Bad Chinese is something you can count on. Nothing is certain in New York - this city is a battleground! Since moving here from California, I've lost my hearing, my sight in one eye, six teeth, and had my appendix removed illegally. See-Yao might be bad, but it's DEPENDABLY bad. I know what I'm getting when I walk in there."